While standing over Brydan’s (my son) grave (which I did almost every day) and getting angry with God,
I felt like I could not go on with life.
This was the worst that I had ever felt. “Why did my son die? Why did my ex take drugs that killed him? Why was I not told about her going to the hospital so I could see my stillborn son? Why was I not told about the funeral?” (I have since forgiven her for this, I am serious, she is forgiven.) I was wallowing in my own sorrows for over a year after I knew where Brydan was buried. It took 17 months for me to get that, so I was a little beside myself with, don’t know what. 17 months to get closure enough to start getting closure.
One day I looked up from his grave and saw a large Live Oak, a statue of Jesus, and a Water Oak. The live oak was on the left, then going up a slope the four foot statue, then the water oak. The trees were about twenty yards away. I started to talk to the live oak as if it was God. I asked that tree many questions about life and “Why”.
More than one time with tears in my eyes I asked “What did I do to deserve this, all the suffering I have had in my life, all the fighting of tide. Why are you doing this to me?” The tree did not answer. Stupid tree I’m talking to you, damn it this is serious. The tree still wasn’t talking. One day I asked Brydan the same questions. I then knew in my heart that I was to give the unconditional love that I have for my son and give it to other people, EVERYONE! Maybe the tree wanted me to find the answer, an answer that I could not get from others.
With that answer, I knew that I was not going to fight the grieving and hurting that I live with. I was going to live for my son. This was the first step. I finally felt relief. I was not going to keep bringing my knife, not to a gun fight, but to a world war. I knew I was going to be ok. No more fighting the tide. The war to me is what I think others are thinking about me (kinda asinine). I was not going to worry about others and their problems that did not effect me. I was going to be Dave for the first time, not a worrier of others. (That part is important, because if you are reading this you are probably doing that) What other that I did not, and would never know thought of me did not matter. (There I said it again)
Almost overnight I felt better. And one day I noticed that my face felt funny, ands so did I. Then it hit me, the 17 muscles that I never use were working. I WAS SMILING!!! The more I smile the better I felt, the better I felt the more I smiled. (Another important thing to remember) SMILE. Smile like you just passed gas in an elevator and stepped out.
So that is the story of Faith and Love.
Hope is a fickle old woman that will wait for you and listen with much patience. When you think you have asked the unanswerable question, she will tell you in one sentence what you asked, not always what you want to hear.
She told me (water oak) to stop and look down and see the little acorns that I drop. All I ask in my life is for two of these little acorns to grow to be might oaks like I am. One to replace me, and one to pay it forward. I know what hope is, If I can make a difference in one persons life and they pay it forward, then my work here is done. I almost never know if what I have said or typed is paid forward, so I try do help everyone that needs it and to spread the love my son has entrusted to me. Big job.
Lucky for me, there are many, many, many oak trees in the south. One in my back yard about 30 feet high and 60 feet around. I always have my reminders of Faith (oak trees), Hope (acorn I carry with me), and Love (the feeling in my heart for all who are reading this).