In 2005 my life became so overwhelming that I tried to kill myself.
I had just turned 50 and was having problems in my marriage. I had quit my job, my finances were a mess and I was ostracized from my family. My life had become extremely stressful and all of these issues became a “perfect storm”. My inability to cope with what was going on in my life led me to believe that I had only one way to solve my problems.
I had isolated myself and refused to share my true feelings and thoughts of suicide with my wife, family and friends. Those close to me knew something was wrong, that I was depressed, but they had no idea of the pain and anguish I was going through, nor the lengths I would go to stop the pain.
I was so depressed and even checked into St. John’s twice, but that was not enough. The depression and darkness were too much. I felt that taking my own life was the only solution. I developed a plan and about a week later checked into a hotel and took a lethal dose of Valium.
I survived the overdose through the intervention of a Higher Power. There is no other explanation. I have no doubt anymore that there is a reason and a purpose for our existence.
I do not know the correct title: God, Divine Spirit, or Higher Power. Whatever the term, I am alive because of something much greater than myself.
I was alive, but the problems were still there. I was so fragile, but I turned my life over to a dear friend and he led me back. I went back to the doctor and we changed the medications. I was still depressed and lonely and I was very, very scared. I was not able to live my life day by day; I could only live it minute by minute. But I got better.
I wrestle with depression and anxiety every day. Every morning, when I open my eyes, the darkness is there and it is a constant companion. I am now able to manage it better, but it is with me every moment, almost like a second layer of skin. Instead of trying to fight it, I wrestle with it. If one technique doesn’t work I switch to another.
I am living my life today because of my family, friends and my Higher Power. I am a better husband, brother, friend and person because of what I went through. I still have terrible days. I still get depressed and I still get angry. But I am thankful I am alive.